Sessions w/ Rachel

  I had lived my life with the qualities I deemed “socially appropriate” through my childhood and early adult life. While these qualities are neither here nor there, the way in which they dictated my life were and continue to be impactful. I continuously felt as if I was floating through life, being pulled whichever way the wind blew. I took this as an admirable quality that made me adaptable and easy going. Meanwhile, what was occurring beneath the surface was a Soul yearning that was being muffled. Everytime intuition said, “This way” I turned the other way. Overtime, the way I thought it should be, overtook the voice of intuition, that eventually turned into a quiet whisper. 

    I was relatively happy. I was liked and I had a great sense of humor that provided a shield from others and myself when things got too heavy or uncomfortable. I had dabbled in some spiritual practices that made me feel like I had a sense of purpose and belonging but It wasn’t until the birth of my child, which also coincided with my coming out, that the whisper got louder. I couldn’t deny the feeling that there was a void that had been fed by the suppression and denial of self, and it no longer felt okay to not be anything other than who I truly was. But who was that person? I felt so far from her. I didn’t know myself and this persona I had unconsciously built most of my life no longer fit. So I began my search… 

    I became devoutly dedicated to Ashtanga Yoga. Meditation. I tried to study herbalism. I found a teacher who I thought was the answer. I tried out pole dancing. I started dressing differently. I sought out spiritual practices and community. I searched for the answers in my romantic relationships. I agonized and agonized over trying to find THE answer. THE way. This produced a deep suffering and an unsettled feeling that I couldn’t shake. I had begun this excavation of myself by sifting through all of the things I was not, all of the things I didn’t like about myself, all of the things I had deemed “bad”. I was seeking out other people and practices in the hopes that someone would tell me the answer to how to BE. I learned so much about myself over about a 5 year span, but the focus was mostly on all of the things I was not or didn’t want to be anymore. 

   I joined RLM 4 years ago. Since then, the way I relate to myself and my intuition has flipped completely on its head. I had searched outside of myself for the answers to how to live an intuitive life. When I was younger, it was in relation to the people and the circumstances around me. As I got older, it was in relation to the things I didn’t like about myself and a focus on what I was lacking. All of it, in judgment of myself and outside of myself. I was under the assumption (as many of us are) that you must DO things a certain way, to then HAVE the life and the things you want, and only then can you truly BE the happy person you want to be. This way of living was in conflict with my true nature, and deep down, I felt that, but was not able to name it. 

    The embodiment practices of Radical Love Movement take a different approach. BE first. HAVE next. Then DO. Being present to what is in any given moment gives you access to know what you need and want. Then you can take action from this place instead of some external motivation. RLM has taught me to deeply listen and that awareness gives us choice. An inside out approach. And that my body is a teacher of how to access intuition and also a great teacher of where my resistance lies and where my beliefs and attention are. A bottom up approach. Through the body, I’ve been able to access tools that allow me to down regulate my nervous system, unwinding practices that have taught me to be curious and open to information which allows for wellness and functionality in my body/mind, and centering and grounding practices that have allowed for me to not get swept in running the past or worrying about the future, but to ground in the present moment. This has helped me in difficult conversations, uncomfortable situations, and it’s created space for greater connection with others because I am learning to live as presently as I can. I feel attentive and full of vitality when I apply these practices regularly. 

       I have been given the tools to identify that I already know what I want. That my intuition and inner wisdom is already within me and accessible. And that I don’t need to blindly trust the lens in which I have been seeing the world. With consistent practice, I’ve learned that to deconstruct my beliefs that never served me (and actually kept me away from my intuition), that I didn’t need to deem them “bad” or “wrong”, but rather learn that they will be there, but don’t need to dictate my life. I am able to take control of my life and make choices that are in service to my higher self. This in turn has allowed me to honor myself, build deep and meaningful connections, meet the moment, and create a life free from the constraints of my perception.